I Know Why


Why do I do this?

The question weighs me down. It has been asked before, by others and by me, but now the question is loud and heavy and obvious. But so is the answer. If only I could remember what it is.

16hrs and my mental fortitude is flagging.

The memory of excitement not that long ago seems to be a distant, faded and false memory.

Why do I do this?

16hrs and my body is weak.

The word “weak” doesn’t even seem right. I feel older than my years, every effort seems futile.

Why do I do this?

Only 4 short hours ago I had my wings. And 5 hours before that I had them too. Up felt like flat and flat felt like down. Down felt like flying.

How can it be great and then bad and then great again? This still doesn’t make sense. Even after years of doing this… It still doesn’t make sense.

I console myself with knowledge from my experiences. Great-Bad-Great-Bad… Great must be coming. Soon. I hope.

Why do I do this?

Hold on. You know you can because you’ve proven that before. This is different though… you can feel it, but then again they are all different aren’t they. Never the same and nor would you want them to be.

Hold on. You’ve got this. You’ve hurt more than this, way more. Hold on.

I hold.

Faster now. Lighter now. Easier now.

I don’t know why, but we never seem to question the Fast, Light, Easy… Only the Bad.

Head up, breathing easy and smiling. No reason, just smiling.

I love my wings, they take me places that many will never see.

I feel alive in these moments in a way that transcends everything else. It feels right.

Maybe this is why?

The end is near, but only the end for today. There will be many more ends, and many more beginnings. This part is special, it is where we let go. Those watching it unfold only see shells that were once inhabited by men and women. Don’t be sad for them, they have shaken off their shells and are flying above them, unseen but they are there. Their journey from beginning to end started well before the gun went off and will end far beyond that finish line.

17 hours, and I remember why I do this.

Today it was 17, but it has been 8 and 6 and 45, and once 5 days, and many other numbers. The time doesn’t matter, it is merely a number we tell those who don’t fully understand the why. Perhaps it helps them have some reference point from which to measure the hurt and the joy and the story that we tell them.

We know though that the only measure that matters, is the number of years that our bodies, our minds and our hearts will continue to let us do this thing that makes us come to life.

I run long.

I know why.


Shaun Brewster.

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Leave A Reply (3 comments so far)

  1. Shane
    3 years ago

    Ahhhhh Love it Chief. Well said

  2. Bernie Larsen
    3 years ago

    I love this so much. Currently training for my first ultra in You Yangs in July and I am already asking myself why in training. But every time I get to the top of an incline an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction and awe at my surroundings comes over me…that is why!

  3. Jono
    3 years ago

    Motivation on a stick! What a way to articulate what we do to those that may not understand. I’m still not sure if I’ve truly realised my “why”, but I’m sure as hell enjoying the journey to find it. Thanks Shaun, will be taking this into training this weekend!

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